I Would Rather Jack Off With Sand Paper Than Listen to Rush Limbaugh

James Wolcott is a liberal with a regular column for Vanity Fair. He also maintains a blog at:
http://jameswolcott.com/

Both Wolcott’s writing style and insights appeal to me.

If a country allows Karl Rove to swindle two presidential elections for failed businessman George Bush, I should not be surprised that former pill-head and terminal buffoon Rush Limbaugh still takes to the airwaves and mews the most awful twaddle about American family values.

I would rather jack off with sand paper than listen to Limbaugh.


On Some Sad Laps, No Heads Bob
Posted by James Wolcott

This morning on Air America, Jerry Springer ran the tape of Rush Limbaugh's bizarre outburst against Al Gore's upcoming cable news venture for "yoof" (as they say in British papers), mocking its mission to represent the viewpoints of young people by claiming that the only thing kids cared about today was blowjobs, which were rampant in the nation's high schools today thanks to Al's good friend Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Maybe it should be called "The BJ Network," Rush railed, since blowjobs were now the only thing occupying the empty minds of MTV audiences - all those teenage Monicas out there hooking up with teenage Bubbas.

Limbaugh seemed to be implying at the top of his voice that blowjobs are an integral part of the liberal agenda, an argument which he may want to rethink. The popularity of blowjobs is difficult to metric but undeniable; they cause little harm and zero unwanted pregnancies. If the plentitude of blowjobs is part of the Clinton legacy, millions owe the former president a debt of gratitude and an annual pilgrimage to the Clinton Memorial Library in Arkansas.

Yet, like so many products and pleasures, blowjobs aren't evenly distributed in society. It's a renewable natural resource not everyone gets to enjoy, and I was struck by the vehement tone of Limbaugh's tirade. He sounded bitter. I've seen this rancor inflict so many middle-aged men. Reading about all the oral sex young people are presumably having, they feel envious and resentful. No classmates were treating them to afterschool blowjobs in high school! Nor were hot teachers like that one in Florida seducing them in parked cars. It doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem just. We're living in the Golden Age of BJs, and men in Rush's recumbent position feel barred from Eden, forced to imagine the action from their recliners as they stare sullenly at their plasma screens. It's probably how many adults felt during the free-love Sixties as the lid came off the nation's libido.

Clearly no small part of the undying enmity conservatives like Rush (and many liberal men too) have for Bill Clinton was that he was their age (maybe even older) and yet was able to participate in the exciting blowjob youth movement courtesy of Monica Lewinsky's bright red mouth. How this made them seethe, and the fact they still mention it at the slightest farfetched opportunity shows that they seethe still.

At the time, Hillary-haters sneered that if she had been performing her wifely duties and been less of a frozen popsicle, Bill may not have so easily strayed, red lips or no red lips. Liberal women didn't know how to satisfy a husband's needs, being so wrapped in their selfish careers.

I find such speculative intrusion undignified. I do. And yet, applying the logic of the Hillary-haters, I can't help but wonder if Rush's jealous ire over other people's blowjobs reflects poorly on his current relationship with CNN's Daryn Kagan, rumored to be on the fast track to have the honor of being his fourth wife. He sounded frustrated, disgruntled, and perhaps the anchorwoman isn't applying herself as much as she could or should to the task of keeping her big man happy.

It will require fortitude on her part, but it is no more than other women have borne. Perhaps this particular act disgusts her, or she's unsure of her technique, despite being in the television business, where everyone assumes everyone is so worldly. If the latter is the case and insecurity is the issue, there's a very helpful show-and-tell scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High where Phoebe Cates uses a banana to educate a classmate on how it's nutritiously done.

I would note that Fast Times at Ridgemont High was released in 1982, predating the Clinton administration by a decade, thus undercutting Rush's already dubious thesis.